After watching Phantom Menace with my buddy Kyle in 1999, he lamented that he wished it was better. I replied that if people don’t care enough to get out and vote (the 2000 election) then how are they going to care about fake space politics?

In retrospect, Star Wars has become an eerily accurate reflection of what has transpired these past eight years. While watching the local news yesterday, I realized that there was an ungodly amount of people who had no idea who the candidates were or what they looked like. It seemed like many of the people interviewed bore a sort of “I’m buying a Buick because my daddy drove a Buick” mentality regardless of what common sense or their own research actually told them.

This is a guide to help people understand who’s who among the players and candidates. Interestingly enough, there are many parallels.

Being small of stature, Ron Paul is both smart and wise.

One thing that Ron Paul is clear about is the fact that ‘blowback’ is root cause of what we as a country are suffering from now. These repercussions of bad foreign policy are what triggered the various terrorist attacks and not the whole ‘they hate us because we are free’ sentiment.

To paraphrase what Ron Paul has said, “Bad foreign policy leads to blowback, blowback leads to poorly planned knee-jerk retaliatory efforts, which leads to more soldiers dying.”

Yoda said, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I think Ron Paul is a clear headed voice who looks for the reasons why we are suffering from the problems that we have in order to come to a more effective solution. This applies to the war as well as the economy and other inefficiencies in governmental bureaucracy. When hearing him speak, it’s clear that he’s spent most of his time thinking about this stuff himself rather than being briefed by a bunch of handlers.

When I first saw Mike Gravel in the debates, he made the other democratic candidates look like children. This elder statesman was instrumental in stopping the draft which brought about an end to the Vietnam War. This guy knows how to end wars.

After that, he disappeared from politics. When asked where he had been since Vietnam, he said, “Hiding under a rock!” This is similar to how Ben Kenobi lived as a hermit out in the desert after the dissolution of the Jedi council.

Although not running for President, this former Halliburton CEO wields more power than any vice president before him. He has never served in the military, but was able to avoid being drafted into Vietnam, getting five draft deferments. This was probably a good thing as we all know how well Cheney handles a rifle. He might have taken out more of our own boys than the enemy.

Jabba the Hut’s weight issues would have probably prevented him from joining any military service. Jabba never actually did any of his own dirty work either, but was known to hire criminals, bounty hunters, smugglers, assassins, etc. He maintained an entourage of slaves, droids and aliens. He is symbolic of morbid obesity and corruption.

As Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has said, "Impeachment is off the table." So Pelosi is taking no action towards impeachment, in the same way Princess Leia was helpless and chained to Jabba. However, Leia took that chain and used it to choke Jabba and make her escape. In contrast, Pelosi seems very comfortable right where she’s at, as she is taking no action that would rock the boat.

George W. Bush feels that he can disregard the Constitution and give himself more power. Warrantless wiretaps are now the norm. Soon our ISP’s will turn over our email to the FBI. There aren’t many people who feel confident or trust in George Bush and his plan for Iraq. In spite of all that Bush has said, "I believe that God wants me to be president." He has no problems inflicting torture upon foreigners held without trial in Guantano Bay. He is considered by many to be the worst president in history.

Similarly Anakin was not a particularly bright individual. He was easily swayed by anyone who told him what he wanted to hear. He craved power and disregarded the advice of the Jedi council when it came into conflict with his own desires. It was easy for the Chancellor Palpatine to manipulate such a simpleton. He killed the entire village of Tusken Raiders, women and children. Later he killed the young Jedi children who opposed his will. The belief that Anakin was part of a prophecy was the mechanism which brought him into the Jedi order(see Qui-Gon Jinn below). Anakin had an insatiable lust for power. He wanted to the most powerful Jedi ever and shape the Galaxy to his liking. He later became Darth Vader, possibly the most reviled and hated individual in the Star Wars galaxy.

The CEO of Blackwater Worldwide is the head of a private military company that provides mercenaries who are above the law and beyond the reach of justice. His company is a tool by which things can get done easily by the administration; things which would otherwise present a regular army soldier a moral dilemma. Prince himself was born rich and has rubbed elbows with the powerful from a very young age. Prince was also an intern in the White House to Bush Sr.

Darth Maul was the Emperor’s instrument bent on revenge. Although his primary mission was to capture Queen Amidala, he chose instead to engage Qui-Gon Jinn which allowed her to escape. He would much rather get into a fight or a physical skirmish, than accomplish the task at hand. According to the comic books, Darth maul was indoctrinated in the ways of the dark side from a very early age. Darth Maul was trained in the ways of the lightsaber by Darth Sidious (See Palpatine Below)

Boba Fett was barely in The Empire Strikes back but still he remains a favorite among fans. This is probably attributed to the use of his brains in figuring out how the Millenium Falcon escaped Imperial Star Destroyer by hiding among the garbage. The appeal of a loner bounty hunter resonates among many. In Empire Strikes Back, Fett is never referred to by name.

Similarly, Dennis Kucinich is a believer that we should be talking to Iran on a diplomatic level. He wants to avoid a military confrontation at all costs. A solution can be found if everyone is willing to put their heads together. He advocates the abolition of nuclear weapons which is probably why NBC(General Electric) wants to keep him out of the debates. NBC would rather you not know the name Dennis Kucinich.

I never really bought Hillary Clinton as a real political force. This was proven in Michigan where she basically ran against no one and still didn’t get anywhere near 90% of the vote. 40% of Michigan voters voted for nobody. She claims to have experience when in actually she's just married to experience.

I never really bought Amidala either as a leader or a Queen. Supposedly she was democratically elected to be Queen at age 14, but I really don't see the wisdom of granting a leadership position upon someone with so little experience.

One thing about Barack Obama is that he is a solid orator. He claims to be all about change. I’m not particularly sure about his message or his beliefs, but I can’t deny I like his delivery.

Mace Windu speaks with that same authority. I like the authoritative sound of his voice. He sounds like a leader should sound.

In 2003, Bush Sr. finally resigned from the Carlyle Group amid accusations of war profiteering. Carlyle is a $75.6 billion investment firm known mainly for aerospace and defense contracts. He was formerly the Director of Central Intelligence. There is a Nimitz class supercarrier named after him.

Chancellor Palpatine/The Emperor/Darth Sidious is a key politician who claims to represent peace and democracy. He is an expert in the manipulation of others and politics. He initiated the construction of the Death Star.

In comparison to the other candidates, John Edwards is a young good looking guy with brown hair. Edwards is known to have paid $400 for his haircuts. This is excessive for just a haircut, but whatever. You would think that money should be spent better.

Han Solo hung out with Chewbacca, a Wookie who is a large individual covered with brown hair. Although Han Solo had to keep control of his tempermental Wookie, they were the best of friends. His bad judgment with money however, led to him being imprisoned in carbonite by Jabba the Hut(see above.)

Huckabee is a Baptist minister and he is intent on amending the Constitution to ‘God’s Standards.’ His method of childrearing has resulted in kids who torment animals and try to smuggle guns on planes.

Qui-Gon Jinn was a fierce believer in the Jedi prophecy that foretold of a boy who brings balance to the force. He took Anakin under his wing and look what happened.

Mitt Romney was CEO of the 2002 Winter Olympics and some management consulting firm. For people who think just because he is a CEO and ran a company, I urge you to look at Enron, WorldCom and Countrywide. He is known for flip flopping on various issues depending on where he is appearing and what his goals are. It is well documented the instances where he has changed his stance on abortion, gun control, gay rights, stem cell research, etc.

Lando Calrissian is Baron Administrator of Cloud City. He first appeared to be a friend to Han Solo but instead turned them over to the Empire. Eventually Lando turned out to be a good guy, but do you really want to take that chance?

John McCain is a war veteran who has no problems with us being in Iraq for the next hundred years.

Grand Moff Tarkin is the military leader who has no problem with blowing up planets just to take out a few rebels, or ‘teach someone a lesson.’

Jar Jar Binks was created solely as a character to be made into a toy and sold to children. He is an incompetent clown who provided inadequate comic relief. He is easily the most annoying character in the entire Star Wars pantheon. Yet for some unknown reason, he is chosen by Amidala to represent Naboo in the Galactic Senate. This causes me to question Amidala's judgment. Jar Jar was easily manipulated by Chancellor Palpatine into helping him gain emergency executive powers, which sped up the process in creating a Galactic Clone Army to do the bidding of the Chancellor.

Rudy Giuliani incessantly and annoyingly refers to 9/11. He takes credit for having handled that crises when in fact, he is the root cause for many of the things that went wrong. He doesn’t understand what blowback is and instead points out that he lived through 9/11. He also has the N.Y. Police function as a personal taxi service for his mistress, but that’s okay because he lived through 9/11. His campaign staff has gone unpaid, clearly as a result of bad money management.

I hope this guide was entertaining and informative. George Lucas was truly a visionary.

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Political Jaywalker - A 'Star Wars' Comparison IP:207.69.139.137 | 2008-01-20 15:28:12 good one.... may the force be with you.... dang & we are on to a "brighter future" if only it's as simple as a movie script. http://pedestrianobserver.blogspot.com/ Reply | Quote

JDeppette IP:68.19.150.71 | 2008-01-23 09:59:26 This is great! I've got a friend that will enjoy this.. I'm going to send him the link for your site! Reply | Quote

Mr. Unbelievable IP:89.56.180.165 | 2008-07-14 17:00:24 xD very good^^ this is so nice xD Reply | Quote

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