Someone gave my daughter a doll for Christmas and the smell of the plastic is giving me a throbbing headache. What many people don't realize is that the 'new car smell' that they love so much is really the volatile organic compounds offgassing from the dashboard.

I'm thinking of throwing this thing away when she's not looking. It reeks of a sweatshop indonesian child working 16 hour days to earn enough money to put rice on the table.

For days I've been trying to identify where that smell was coming from. It was like someone left out a raw gel pack from an Airwick air freshener.

Bad smells really trigger some awful memories.

I've got a wicked headache from that thing. I don't do well with smells. This one time, I was testing out my powers of persuasion and I got a telemarketer to go out on a blind date with me. We told each other we would wear certain colors to find each other in the crowd of the local dance club. I was hoping that I would find her before she found me so I could ditch in case she wasn't hot. Anyway, of course, she finds me first and I was forced to admit who I was. She wasn't all that unnattractive, but I'm really not drawn to Pakistani girls. She had brought along her best friend, just in case I turned out to be a weirdo. Sadly her friend was hotter, but I couldn't be hitting on her friend when she dragged her ass out to my side of town just to meet me.

In any case it was clear that there was no chemistry. We talked for a bit, but whatever spontaneous banter that came so naturally over the phone was now a staccato mess of terse Jerry Seinfeld like observations. I was trying to be less funny than my regular self. Since this was waaay before cellphones, I had no friends to call me to get me out of there. I forgot what lie I made up to escape, but a slow song came on.

She seemed pretty bummed out and I felt obligated to at least do a courtesy slow dance with her. What I didn't realize was that she must have marinated her sweater in Chanel No. 5. To this day I hate that perfume. Those vapors wafted up in to my nostrils and seared my brain.

I don't remember much else beyond that night other than feeling like I was going to yak. I do remember what I wore though because I totally wished I was wearing something else.

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